Dear Harley,

I know you were picked up wandering along the Dixie Hwy, leading the
life of a roaming kitty hobo, but you're an indoor kitty now. Yes,
you are, too. I am too neurotic and have had too many bad things happen to cats to be able to handle having you go outside. You love me, I can tell from the purring and the biting, so please do this for me.

I think it's wonderful that you are still able to remove the window
screen in spite of the cardboard I had wedged in it to prevent you
from doing so. And I know the vet just told you you're too chubby, so
it must have been a real self-esteem boost that you were able to shove
your fat orange ass through the couple of inches the window was open.

The chirping birds woke me up. I guess you heard them too, that's why
you wanted out so badly? Maybe you could just stick to watching them
from inside. Imagine my alarm when, hearing footsteps on the roof,
I went to the window to look for the little black and white cat who
sometimes visits, only to find you gone and the screen askew.

I don't mean to freak you out, but you could TOTALLY have been EATEN UP by a COYOTE.

It's a good thing you like those dehydrated chicken treats so much. I
promise to give you one every day, diet or no diet, if you'll just
stay inside.

Well, at least you got some good exercise! It must have been quite a
workout to manage your escape, then do all that gallivanting around on
the roof. I won't let Maggie chase you today.

Love,

Your Squishy Lady who rescued you from the PetSmart adoption display,
feeds you, runs your laser pointer, loves you, and doesn't want you to
get lost/a disease/beat up by another cat/run over by a car and/or
fall off the roof. Okay?

PS: I'm sorry you threw up your chicken treat. I guess it was all the excitement. I'll give you another one later.

PPS: Where did you get a single blade of grass, anyway?